It’s been pretty difficult lately, mainly because of disappointments in things not going the way I planned, and also feeling like I woke up from a one-year coma and everyone else has just moved on while I’m… the same, just a year older.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely grateful for the year I went abroad and it was truly memorable; but maybe because what I gained are intangible… things, it felt like I didn’t … accomplish much. I mean, it wasn’t as though I went for something meaningful like a mission trip or anything like that. Buttt looking back, I gained memories, experiences, and friendships, among others… plus a certificate for completing my studies, so I should be grateful… right? Sigh. Discontentment will be the death of me.
In the past, having nothing much to do was one of my favourite past times (if you cannot relate, then you, my friend, is a workaholic and you need to stop and smell the roses… or smell your bed), mainly because I know what’s it like having no time to yourself and the effects of a mental and emotional burnout. But lately, having nothing much to do scares me. People assume you are doing nothing all the time, you dread having small talks, and your mind goes into overdrive overthinking things because you… have time on your hands. (Before you judge, I do find things to do as much as I can.)
Waking up and sleeping have been difficult because waking up throws me into the face of disappointment and going to sleep throws me into a deep dark abyss of my thoughts. It’s during these times I’m glad I have God to turn to. I’m glad I have time to read and reflect, and to realise I have to trust God in this season of my life. Because there is literally nothing I can do except to trust.
It’s also during this time that I’m reminded that my identity isn’t defined by my accomplishments (or lack thereof), my career, or my circumstances; but it should be rooted in Christ. It’s easy when it’s head knowledge, but it’s always hard to apply when it comes down to it. You have to consciously look at your situation from a different perspective and really know that God is in control.
What I’ve learned, is that it’s not always about where you were, where you are, or where you will be. But it’s always about who you are and who you will become. Are you someone who exude love and joy despite what you’re going through? Or do you let despair consume you to become despondent and hateful?